Category: Writers Block
Katy sat between her Mom and Dad, tightly clutching both of their hands while her features looked pinched with worry. She thought nobody should ever have to sit and wait for stupid doctors to come and take them to “Surgery” for anything. She was ten and basically knew what “Surgery” meant, but wasn’t exactly sure what happened from the time doctors took you and when you woke up to your family. Katy knew one thing for sure, she didn’t want to get “tubes in her ears” as Dr. Grant had called it to Mom and Dad. She didn’t trust “Dr. Grant because he was always leaning too close and looking into her ears, besides he had bad breath and it fanned over her face when he talked.
“You okay Hon?” Katy’s Mom smiled her soft blue eyes calm.
Katy nodded, even though what she wanted to say was: “No, I’m not alright! I don’t want ‘Surgery’ or ‘tubes in my ears!’ I want to go home and not ever see Dr. Grant again.” But, of course she did not say this, because Dad had told her if she was good and brave they would take her to McDonald’s and get her a Happy Meal. Katy really wanted the Frozen Disney toy in the happy meal so she was determined to be brave as a soldier or a policeman.
Finally they did come though, a nurse with a little bed on wheels. She had a funny hat thing on her head and helped Katy lay down after Mom and Dad kissed her. Katy wanted to cry terribly and beg to not have to go, but she lay watching the rectangular light fixtures speed buy on the ceiling. Suddenly a man leaned over her bed and put a funny rubber thing over her mouth.
“Take some deep breaths Katy, atta girl,” and Katy wondered how he knew her name.
As she breathed in she wondered why she was doing it, she didn’t taste or feel anything. Suddenly she realized that the man must be Santa Clause and he was watching to see if she was good. The funny mask was suddenly not a mask but a beard.
The last thing Katy remembered was Santa telling her: “Very good.”
suggestions are welcome. Thanks!
I love, love, love, your story! I wonder what will happen next?
First, it's nice to see someone post a piece of fiction on these boards for a change. It's almost always poetry.
I'll have to go over it again when I have a bit more time, but from first read, I instantly wondered about Katie's age. It appears to be written from the perspective of a younger child than ten. Writing from the perspective of a young child can be extremely tricky. If she is mentally young for her age, then that works in her favor as a defining characteristic. The style does denote a very young child. Both the diction and the word choices work well for this. The coping mechanism - that of Santa - further defines her character. I also liked the visual of her watching the lights speed by. I'd add a bit of other sensory description however, and enrich what you already have. For instance, you say the doctor's breath washes over her face. That's good, but what did it smell like? I get that it was bad, and my pre-conceptions can do the rest. But hearing what Katie thinks it smells like can give me a sense of her character all the more. Other sensory descriptions such as the movement of the stretcher, the smells of the hospital and those near her, and other sounds could assault her as she's moving, playing into her fears and creating that sense of urgency. Then, when she starts associating the doctor with Santa, it gives her a bit of hope. Maye his mask smells like candy canes. It's hard to really say more without knowing where you're going with this. You could take this story in so many directions. I would like a bit more build-up before the nurse comes. You keep that lightning pace through out. A bit more in the beginning, such as some dialog with her parents , observations of other patients would really set the mood; help us empathize more with Katie and give us a greater sense of her fear.
Thank you...what about age 7 or maybe even 5? I don't want to make her too young because of where the story goes. Also your suggestions are all good ones but this is supposed to be a 5 to 10 page short story. That is why I am skimming. I suppose I should just cough it up then clean it up? Thanks for your suggestions.
This isn't bad. Keep in mind that you don't actually have to write your story in
the words of a child if you aren't using first person language. When katie talks,
then you do, but otherwise you can just use your own voice.
You also switch focuses a lot. In your first sentence, you go from where she's
sitting to what her expression is with practically nothing in the way of transition.
Try something more expressive and descriptive that gives the reader an image,
and leads them easily from one image to the next. So, like, "Katie sat huddled
between her two parents, her little face pinched into a worried frown as she
held her father's hand tightly." Or, "Katie frowned down at her pink sneakers,
her chiun trembling as she held back tears. her father's hand was rough and
warm, and her mother's hair was soft against her cheek as she sat huddled and
dejected between them." See how that kinda builds a picture, rather than
jumping around from one subject to another?
You might also try putting in some atmospheric details that will give the
reader a sense of what emotion they're meant to feel. Invoke the fear of
hospitals by talking about the white walls or that gross cleaner smell. Talk about
the uncomfortable chairs, the clack clack clack of the gurney as they wheel her
along, stuff like that. Gives us an emotion to feel so we're not just passengers
along for the ride.
Hope that helps.
I agree with Cody. You jumped around a lot. Give me more imagery so that I can connect with the story more.
Thanks you guys, great feedback which I will take into consideration. I will post the finished product at some point as well.
I really think this is a great start, and I too wonder what happens next!